One of the problems with establishing dignity as a fundamental value is that everyone’s idea of dignity is different. My friend Bob Fuller has been attempting to define it in the breach as the removal of rankism. Recently, I’ve been trying to supplement this abstract approach by enumerating specifics. As I jotted down images and ideas, a common theme emerged. I realized that the one thing I needed most to be able to maintain my sense of dignity in life was the ability to preserve my integrity.

The idea that I put integrity first explains a lot in my life, and the constant pressure to sacrifice my integrity explains why I never feel like I’m living in dignity. I often feel like I’ve been asked to choose between integrity and survival: choosing the former threatens my survival, while choosing the latter guarantees my indignity.

A recent conversation gave me cause to ponder the order of my values. We were discussing how job interviews work, with an eye to why I compulsively sabotage myself. The fact I hate job interviews like the plague was no excuse. Everyone hates job interviews, but since people have to work 99.9% just bite the bullet and do it. What makes me different from them? Why should I be the exception to the hazing that everyone else has to go through?

I hope my very smart friend won’t mind if I quote him exactly, because I think he nailed the common outlook:

I am not a good interviewee. But having sat on the other side of the table, I have become better. Because I realized that it’s a game, and what we’re looking to see is that

1) you are competent
2) your personality is agreeable and isn’t going to piss everyone else off.
3) you are socialized well enough to corportations to play the bullshit game. For example, one question we always ask is “do you prefer to work alone or as part of a group?”

The correct answer is “both”.

We know it is BS, the interviewee knows it is BS. But the game is to say it sincerely, smile and tell us how you like both.

Now despite knowing this I’m still not very good, because I have an allergy to BS that I can’t entirely control. But that’s the game.

Competent, likeable, socialized.

For a long time I’ve wondered why the current employment system persists. If everyone hates job interviews, and everyone understands the reason is the distortions mentioned above, why don’t we find a better system? Is hazing more than a metaphor here? Are we just all struggling to get to a position where we can put others through what we went through?

This is idle speculation on my part because I’ve never been a hiring manager. All I know is no matter how much I want the job, I find some small way to rebel against it every time. I always find a way to express my discomfort with the very circumstances of the interview - from admitting I put integrity first to just looking very uncomfortable about “probing” questions.

Choosing integriy goes against the advice of all my friends. They see my choices as quixotically impractical, self-defeating, or at least self-punishing. Everyone accepts that people need to “get along” first, and to refuse to do what you have to do to get along is the equivalent of asking the rest of the world to pick up your slack. (For instance, if you can’t afford insurance, society ends up picking up your tab when you go to the county hospital). As a very good friend put it recently, I’m not in a place where I can afford the luxury of integrity. I should put integrity off until I have a safety net.  

So why do I put integrity first? I have some theories based on my personal history which I’ll spare everyone. There’s another aspect of my last-ditch defense of integrity that I think may be a universal reaction to this day and age. We are all being asked to constantly adapt to change, constantly chase the cheese. Most of us are in debt (student loans, mortgages, car payments) and this compels us to submit to others so they will “give” us work. Our skills don’t determine the compensation for that work - the market determines are compensation. Furthermore, corporations have the power (through lobbying, litigation, and PR) to jimmy the market in ways that decrease the power of the individual. In other words, everyone feels the rug can be pulled out from under them at any minute. Under those circumstances, the only thing individuals can protect is their sense of self. Integrity is the primary component of a sense of self. To be treated with dignity is for the rest of the world to respect your ownership of yourself. To be forced to sacrifice your integrity just to survive is slavery.

Back to the problem of the job interview: when push comes to shove I believe, with all the power of the deepest spiritual belief, that the job interview itself is a test of my integrity. Every interviewer is asking me whether I would put “fitting in” before everything else. I can’t say “yes” to that, either directly or indirectly.

Worse, if I feel everyone who “passed” the interview did say “yes” to the implied question of whether they would put their integrity second, that means the entire workplace will be populated by people of questionable integrity. Every wonder why we end up with so many psychopaths at the top? It’s because the interview process screens out people who put integrity first at the bottom. This also explains groupthink and turf wars - the interview process selects for people who are either utterly conformists or fantastic liars. I don’t want to work in an environment where I feel surrounded by people who put “fitting in” first.

I apologize if everyone who has a job now feels insulted: I do think that there is a widespread gut instinct about this problem which is reflected in the fact that most everyone hates job interviews. I don’t think people are evil because they need to get a job.

So what makes me different? Am I just so special that I don’t have to do what everyone else does?

I think the difference is I subconsciously made the connection between integrity and dignity. I realized my life had no dignity, and I haven’t figured out how to get it back. Hopefully this won’t sound like hyperbole, but I’m not sure life is worth living if you’re obligated to live in a state of indignity. Since I’m living in indignity now, I guess I’m just waiting for it to be over.

I wonder how many people out there feel the way I do?