When the Bullied Fight Back
In Britain there’s currently a debate about whether a tough-talking celebrity should be leading the effort to stop bullying. The case of Jodie Marsh brings into focus a number of questions that usually get sidestepped in public conversation about bullying. First, is the person who fights back also a bully? My sense is that there is considerably social pressure not to fight back. Most of the conceptualizations are patently negative: “two wrongs don’t make a right”, “you can’t fight rankism with more rankism”, “revenge”, and even “terrorism”. It seems to me that this predictable social response supports bullying.
What happens when bullying occurs, and the public fails to support the target when the target fights back? This sends the message that it’s better to take the initiative in a conflict because the public will help pin the victim down. This invigorates bullies with the confidence that they will get away with aggressive action. Also, when other victims see that they will be punished with social disapproval and ostracism if they try to fight back, they will be less inclined to try: their only choice will be to comply. This is exactly the situation that bullies want.
Another question is whether a person who fights back is a good role model for children. It seems to me that there are different kinds of role model. Jodie Marsh is not a role model for turning the other cheek and passively accepting bullying. She is a role model for assertive responses to bullying, and at this point she can provide the victims of bullies with some insight to the bully’s point of view. It all comes down to how society views role models: are they there to reinforce hierarchy or are they there to help children think for themselves and stand up for themselves? Jodie Marsh is obviously a flawed human being. But we are all flawed human beings. Maybe children would be better off talking about the decisions Jodie made than feeling obliged to live up to the example of someone who is presented to them as perfect.
The ideal situation would be to explore at least three scenarios: the person who triumphs by repaying bullying with generosity, the person who repays bullying with more bullying, and the person who ended up in the hospital because they internalized the social pressure not to fight back. Without incorporating at least those three points of view, the anti-bullying movement will soon be mired in platitudes, without a sliver of hope for effective policy or social change.
I actually believe there is considerable social pressure, especially on boys and men to fight back. Boys learn early on in the school yard that if they don’t stand up to a bully they will be perceived as a wimp and can expect others to tred upon them. Boys are educated from early childhood that night fighting back sets a precedent. And those boys who are too fearful or incapable of defending themselves inevitably suffer long term damage to their self-esteem. Later on in life this dynamic is played out in office politics.
One legacy of those early lessons is that boys who absorbed abuse from bullies on the playground later become bullies themselves as middle managers, CEOs, politicians, and husbands. We are a culture of bullies.
Intrepid Liberal Journal
Comment by Intrepid Liberal Journal —
I agree – women are more likely to be negatively labeled if they try to fight back. Women are expected to be nurturing and relational – the social glue. The difference plays out in office politics as well. Men will be seen as a bad fit if they let others walk all over them: women will be seen as a bad fit if they try to stand up for themselves.
My thought is that every bullying situation is unique: it’s wrong for society to impose a standardized response. One person might turn the other cheek and show their moral superiority to the bully. Another person might turn the other cheek and show their weakness, allowing the bully to beat them to a pulp. People have to be given enough leeway to judge the factors of their own situation. If the public gets dragged into it, they should weigh the factors as well. Dealing in formulas and stereotypes only leads to fascism.
Comment by Elisa —
I used to work for the sage group in the UK, I stood up against bullying.
They fired me. Go figure.
Comment by Ken —
Welcome, Ken! Your story doesn’t surprise me at all. The strangest paradox of the workplace culture movement in the U.S. is that it has given managers more discretionary power to act on arbitrary impulses and enforce their subjective impressions of the attitudes and emotions of their subordinates. You have my deepest sympathy.
Comment by Elisa —